The Grief Moment

Today mark a week of losing my 1st baby. A baby that my husband yearning for a long time, and it took me long enough to have one of our own.

Unintentionally I was not able to fall back to sleep after I got up this morning. I thought back what had happened last Friday around that time. Things happened so fast, with no experience, I never thought that was a spontaneous abortion.

Before it happened I was admitted to the hospital due to some bleeding. And way before this, things were doing fine and I took this pregnancy happily. Cuz, this is something that we never expected that. It was so coincident and it was really gifted by the God. And, now I realized, I dare not look at those pictures where we had been, the place where we made the baby.

It was disheartening when I see my man cried quietly, he acted fine and strong in front of me, but it was hard to believe to see him wiping his tears when he sees his baby was being pushed out from my body.

Things happened too fast, too shock and too sudden for me to accept. Water bag burst at 6.10am followed by fresh blood, rushing off the hospital with severe labour pain. I was crying hysterically in the car, and begged my man for forgiveness… I kept saying I don’t know can I save your baby or not….

Hubby was very sad when he heard it from me, I heard him saying it doesn’t matter; I want you to be ok. It was such in pain when I reached the A&E (Accident & Emergency) ward; the nurses pushed me up to the labour room. Hubby came along and holding my hand without letting out. Cuz, that’s the way of showing his love and support when I needed him most.

The staff nurses were there to see and also calling my gynaecologist for help. I was still in pain, and suddenly, I realized something is pushing out from my body. I was crying for help,… hubby was holding me tight. I heard them saying, it’s a spontaneous abortion, and after a few minutes, both of them press hard on my stomach, and I could feel something coming out as well. Then after both were confirming this is placenta abruption. They showed the placenta to hubby and pointed the 2 holes to him.

I was completely collapsed, and I was hysterically asking hubby boy or girl. Hubby was whispering to me that it’s a boy. A boy of our own, I was not able to cry out anymore. I only know how to apologize to my man. I kept saying sorry and sorry, without realizing it. I know then after the nurse gave me an injection. Whether it’s a tranquilizer or a pain killer, it doesn’t ease my emotions.

The nurses and hubby walked out from the labour room for a few minutes and he came back and told me that they advised him to conduct a proper funeral for the foetus though it’s not a full term delivery, yet, the limbs are beautifully formed. Hubby was crying when he told me that, I wanted to see my son badly, but all of them do not allow me to see him. I’ve never had a chance to see my son.

That day was a long day for me, cuz, we both received lots of SMSes and phone calls. I only take selective phone calls and cuz, I didn’t want to talk about it. I was crying all the time, emotional wasn’t stable, after a tablet of tranquilizer wasn’t able to calm me down. At night I was depending on the sleeping pills to sleep. Whole night was having nightmare and I could hear baby crying.

Lots of people telling me,…

‘You’re young, you could try it again.’
Or, some will tell me ‘it will be very easy for you to try on the 2nd one.’
‘This is God’s will, God will give you a better one. He doesn’t want to see you suffer.’
‘He’s not ready to be your son, you will have a better one.’

I know all these are the words of comforts; they showed their concern, care and love to us. Even now, smses are still flowing in after a week, lots of them will tell me time will heal. Just wanted me to accept the fact, things will be better.

I am still learning to accept the fact, yet it appears to people that am absolutely ok. But deep down I am still blaming myself for not building up my defences well. And, I know this will lead to depression if this continues.

I am learning to cope, I am….