Michael Jackson - RIP

He finally found his rested home. RIP Mic!

A brother's love

Michael Jackson's Memorial Service

Michael Jackson's Memorial Service

Shock the World

What's the shocking news for this morning?? Both stars fallen on the same day... MJ is everybody well known star, but not many know who Farah Fawcett is, especially the younger generation.

When I turn on my pc this morning, my eyes were wide opened when I saw the headline “King of Pop died at 50”.

I just can’t believe it… cuz, this news came in too sudden to many people, and even radio is playing his songs, to pay for his tribute.

Another sad story is Farah Fawcett, I’ve seen her when I was a small kid, got to know her from her golden hair, in Charlie’s Angels. Especially her love story with Ryan O’Neal… something that not many couple could go thru.

RIP FF & MJ!

A sudden news.... DEATH

On Friday, 12 June 2009, at 5.17pm, while I was busy cleaning my room, my former classmate gave me a call, asked me do I still remember so and so. Of course, I said ya, I know him, and I remember I saw him not long ago.

Then, my classmate broke the news to me, saying that he committed suicide and jumped down from an apartment an hour ago yesterday.

I was shocked, goose bumps all over my arms. I just don’t believe it as I remembered I just met my other classmate not long ago. And never believe this could happen to him.

Worst is, leaving behind 2 kids; the eldest was only 12 years old. How would the family take it? We even as classmate already hard to accept the fact that he jumped down from the apartment.

Until today, at this moment, we do not know what the reason behind for this suicidal case was. Whether as what the news said they are now investigating as sudden death or murder, but I wish the truth will appear and return the family the justice no matter what the case is.

God bless!

A sad day...

Today mark an anniversary for the Sichuan Earthquake. It’s sad, and shaken when it happened last year.

Same goes to me today, something shaken me deeply. This is not the 1st time but 2nd time instead.

A day that falls on my friend’s birthday… She received not a very pleasant news from the organization. I know certain people are looking at it, cuz, there’s no way for certain people to save up that money.

However, whoever left behind will feel the sadness, something is amiss. Am sad, am really really sad!

She's gone

She’s gone.
Today in the morning.

SPCA took her to the vet, vet explained what causes all these, 1st it’s because of her weak heart and causes her lung infection. With that, blood didn’t circulate till the bottom part of her body, thus her legs are not able to stand up or move. And with that, lots of midgets in her body and biting her organs. And all that causes her in pain.

The vet gotta give her 3 injections and put her to sleep.

I really do not know what to say and what to do, apart from blogging it out so that I can let it out from my chest.

It’s pain. Real pain, though it’s a dog! But the years of attachment isn’t that easy to wipe away, no to mention about human being.

This would be my new year day… next year, I’ll remember what had happened for today. It’s like ‘Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah’.

I know this is part of life, but please allow me to cry for her for few more hours, days, …?

Do you believe incarnation? I just wish her can have a better life next …

心痛

我哭了。我是為了它而哭的。
多年來的感情總不能從此抹掉。
今天看它如此痛苦, 我的心真的好痛。
為什麼它定要受苦?

它滿腳都是血, 因為被蟲咬。難道這是前世帶來的罪?

My Faith

Left one tube now in the body and the remaining tube is slightly crooked; one of the reasons could be due to the scar tissue from previous surgery.

My gynae did explain in details to me, if early ectopic pregnancy discovered, it can be treated with an injection of methotrexate which stops the growth of the embryo. Methothexate is kind of chemo drugs and it meant for those patient. The side effect could lead to liver problems and so on, thus my gynae discourage to use such method but an operation instead.

Now that leaving one crooked tube, I am not sure can I conceive again or not. Even my gynae dare not tell me will I be able to conceive. When we asked him the question, his answer was straight forward, he said he doesn’t know. But the chances of conceiving is definitely low.

If I do not remove the affected tube, but to salvage, the chances of recur at the same spot would be 20%. This means its high chance of getting back the ectopic pregnancy.

At that point in time, I told myself, to have or not to have I shall leave it to God! This is my faith!! Nothing much I could do anymore!!

The Same Friday

Source: MedLine Plus

It is the same Friday as March 21. It’s a different thought, different attitude and a different approach to accept the fact.

Remember I blogged about that I was moody and feeling down. It was actually affected by my hormone, as well as the skin allergies.

What causes hormone change suddenly? Because the urine tested POSITIVE and I took this test in a very ‘slow and steady’ manner that I will seek gynae’s confirmation when the time is right.

Thus, the right time was last Friday, July 25. An appointment was made few days ago and that Friday morning, I was having a good mood to see the gynae and expect to have some good news then after.

There are many times things are not as per plan or as per your wish. When my gynae had a scan on my abdomen, we couldn’t found a foetus’ heart beat and the sac as well. Immediately my gynae and both of our hearts sunken, cuz, from the scan, the womb was completely empty but we found an unidentified free fluid below the womb.

That even makes my gynae more worried. My gynae was kind enough and explained everything to me why could it be like that, one of the reasons it may be an ectopic pregnancy (子宫外孕). The problem that we had is we couldn’t see where is this ectopic pregnancy took place.

My gynae encouraged me to seek for second opinion thus we seek the senior resident gynae in the same hospital for a second check. The result is the same, confirmed no foetus found in the womb, but confirmed pregnant.

With 2 gynae’s advice, this is a life threatening case, and I ought to go for an emergency operation right away. Hubby and I were completely lost and really have no idea what to do next. Thus we called our doctor friend for 3rd advice and true enough our friend advised us to go thru the operation right away, cuz, and the fallopian tube can only sustain the foetus for only 12 weeks, once it burst, the mother will face life threaten, and eventually the mother will die of toxic that burst from the tube.

With no second thought, I signed the agreement for going for the operation, and I have full supports from my beloved husband. My gynae explained to both of us, there will be a risk of doing this operation, he also checked with us which type of operation would I op for, chose from laparoscopy or open operation. I chose the laparoscopy, which is minimum risk.

I was pushed to the Operating Theatre with my husband accompanied, and down there, I see lots of nurses and Medical Officer, Anaesthesia doctor too. The senior resident gynae saw me and came forward to comfort me with his sweet thought. Asked me and my husband not to worry, he said it has to be done as this is very dangerous.

At that point in time, I was having the panic attacked and yet they did not give me any tranquilizer to calm me down before push me to the OT. They tied both of my hands; it was like what we watch in the movies, I was stick with lots of those round stickers to check on my heart beat, my blood pressure and so on. The Anaesthesia doctor gave me some smelly gas to smell and also a jap that put me to sleep. I was reluctant to smell those gases as it was really really smelly. I was hoping they could give me an injection instead of the gas. But the doctor told me why he has to give me both, as I had my breakfast at 8.30am and we never expect this is an emergency case.

I was so scared, and the doctor told me I will have a feeling like a shrunk of my lungs and within seconds, I will fall to sleep. True enough I was like that, by the time I got up I was at the day care monitor room which monitored by the nurses and Medical Officer.

I could feel my stomach bloated up with full of gas, and was completely nausea and giddy. Then I asked one of the nurse, when was I pushed out from the operation, they told me I was in at 1 something and was out by 2 plus. It was an hour plus operation.

When they push me up to my ward at 6pm, my husband was so worried and waited for me at the waiting hall. After the op, I was shivering cold and the nurses gotta give me 2 blankets to cover me up.

At about 8 something at night, my gynae came over to review me, and he said the operation was very successful and it wasn’t to his surprise, it was an ectopic pregnancy and it’s about to abrupt, and the unidentified fluid confirmed is blood, and it was internal bleeding.

He wanted me to take a good rest and not to consume any food for that moment but only plain water. Cuz, I was still under monitoring stage, cuz, he worried I may be vomit if I have something.

I didn’t have anything at all for the night and was sleeping well, cuz, he gave me a jap where it’s a pain relief as well as put me to sleep.

And that’s an end for the day chapter.

A reminder of the pain

While I was trying hard to forget March 21, 2008, Friday happenings.
Somebody had reminded me how I looked like when I was expecting my first child. Commented that I was over restricting myself for not taking certain food that causes my face looked pale. Added to that, ‘that’s why from the scan, your baby looks ok, but a lot of people said that you do not look good’.

Was it my fault for losing my baby?
Why would this people reminded me of my scar?

Wasn’t it a mother’s instinct to protect the unborn child by not eating certain food that may potentially harm the foetus?
Does it mean by doing so, it doesn’t proven the baby after born will be stronger and healthier but could be weaker?

I thought I had buried the pain safely down deep in my heart. With that reminder, I was actually sobbing down here at my working desk. Till I can’t control it further, I walked to the washroom and locked myself and cried.

Nobody could understand the pain that constraint in me… and, nobody could understand the pain that we went thru.

This is the only corner that I can cry out loud.
I don’t need any sympathy… but need not to remind me of that scar.

Sichuan Earthquake

It has been 13 days after the Sichuan 7.9 magnitude earthquake. Everyday, papers are still showing its progress how to save those survivors, what’s the death toll like, and etc.

I supposed many had blogged about it and update its progress, so that reader could have some first hand information.

I would be the odd one out, cuz, I dare not look at the papers, nor the internet to know how things going, not even watch TV to find out more. Cuz, my heart was sad and depressed as I see many children were live buried under those rubbles.

Whenever I received email that widely speculating in the cyberworld, I see children whom are survived without parents, or some survived without children. I honestly couldn’t stop my tears from rolling down.

It was just so pain and sad to see this happens.

I spotted one from today’s paper (after so many days of ignorant), a father squad down and asked himself, how come our houses could stand still without falling despite from this earthquake but the schools are all collapsed?

Reason is because the local developer did not use the right specification to build the school, which what we call it build without following the specs. They were supposed to use the stronger, broader, and compact beam but they used the others instead.

I asked myself when they started to build the buildings, do they ever thought of anything may happen? Especially this is an earthquake epicentre.

Are these people only think of MONEY without considering other’s people lives & deaths? Don’t they?

** To know about Sichuan Earthquake update, pls refer to this link –
http://sichuanearthquake.org.uk/

The world is shaking!

Within couple of weeks, things happened in China and Myanmar. The death toll is increasing, and many that read the news, the hearts are sunken by these nature disaster.

If everyone does realize the all these do cause by the environmental issues, perhaps, we could eliminate or even reduce the cyclone speed.

Today, our company organized the fund raising for Myanmar as the Government only allow 2 NGOs to assist them. On the other hand I heard, this is actually control by the Government and many victims have not gotten their needy.

Read another news from Kwang Wah, a pregnant woman was stuck in the debris for more than 50 hours, and she’s also have the miscarriage symptoms before the earthquake was happened.

[sigh] my heart is so sad and I really don’t know how to write further on this anymore… just wish everyone lend your helping hand if you have spare money to these victims in Myanmar and China. Or you can even pray for them.

God bless!

A sudden upset

Today extremely down and emotional also not that stable.
Feeling bad, upset, down anything you name it, I had it all today. In fact, I was quietly cried at my work place today.

I have all these mixed feelings when I see my colleague whom is also pregnant together with me. I was ahead of her by a week in terms of due date, now that I have nothing. Furthermore, I got to know my SIL is also pregnant this morning.

I was like why me?? I don’t know how to feel happy for people… I am feeling so down, so down…

I have not been seeing my other colleague whom I always swing by to her place when I need to let out some working stress… I have not been seeing her for many days already. Why? Perhaps I am not comfortable to talk to people and meeting people. I am still comfortably staying in within my own space, I guess?!

This afternoon a colleague, a friend from other department dropped by and told me that he feels sorry to hear about my case. He realize I was not around for many weeks and noted that when I came back to work, I was extremely quiet and also noted my tummy is missing, he guesses what had happened.

We both chatted for awhile, then suddenly the emotions suddenly went down and I started to have teary eyes. Honestly felt so embarrassed. Then, he said in life there are many people have their own pain… some even have to bear with a child whom is deaf, blind, or even autistic.

Now that I can only tell myself, God is saving the best for me. God knows what best for me. God will be giving me a brighter child, a happy child, a talented child and a brilliant child….

Hopefully with that thoughts, I hope I could be more stronger and tougher.

The 4th Week Grief

I’ve been working for a week already, seeing lots of colleagues and friends, and also seeing lots of pregnant women in the office too.

I was even giving a pregnant woman a helping hand when she didn’t realize it was drizzling on Friday on her way out to the car park. She told me she’s now 37 weeks of pregnancy, and taking half day off to visit her gynaecologist. I was telling myself, another more week to go she could deliver her baby if she ops for C-section.

My Finance Analyst had gone for her maternity leave, another colleague is 8 weeks expecting, some had actually entering their 2nd trimester period.

No one would believe it if I say am ok, am fine. Like what Little Inbox said, when you’re alone, you will think of the baby, you will think of the incident that happened that day, and you will even admire those that are pregnant now.

And, this is what am facing right now.

I know my eyes are looking at the TV at night and at the same time my mind is floating else where. When I see pregnant woman walk pass, I feel awkward and the feeling is like where is my tummy now.

Friday dawn was the time when my husband rushed me to the hospital. Whenever we drove pass the route, and specifically on Friday morning, I just can’t stop myself of thinking about it.

I even have friends asked me don’t write any more sad post in your blog, write something positive, tell you readers how looking forward yourself that you wanted to conceive the 2nd time. She even said that I should be counting the days when to conceive instead of counting the days when I lost my baby.

At one minute, I’ll ask myself am I a born loser? How come I don’t know how to save my baby?? On the other minute, I’ll ask again is this what God wants to take him back with him?

This is what am going thru right now…

The 3rd Week

Today mark the 3rd week of that incident.

I salute those people that went thru such incidents and could get up again. I wonder how they walk out from the pain.

If you know who Dicky Cheung (張衛健) is, you would be surprised his wife (張茜) whom is supposed to deliver a baby in March, was miscarried in her 8 months pregnancy. She managed to walk out from the pain and willing to try again.

No one could answer all the mom-to-be why would this thing happen. Was it due to the food that we take? Was it hormone imbalance, incompatible? Was it due to uterus’ infection? Was it due to placenta previa? Or it was due to uterine fibroid?

Chinese believe it may due to the womb is too weak… the cervix is weak… or something bad luck.

I know I have to walk out from this pain and build back my body strength. I know, I know, I know… but it’s hard to do that…. Real hard…

My Voice of Concern

After the loss, I actually realized I was giving myself lots of pressure on the pregnancy that I had earlier on.

All these while, I dare not voice it out to anyone cuz, I know everyone will tell me that I shouldn’t have such thought, or such stress. And, I know everyone would tell me to take this pregnancy easily.

Now that, I’ve lost it… I have to cope with the lost emotionally and physically. It has never been easy for me to take this. This is something not like handling a project in the office, or counting sales, billings, backlogs, inventories, etc… this is a life in your body whom will be calling you mommy, calling your husband daddy.

Though many gynaecologists had been telling me, miscarriage is a 10% of any pregnancy cases. And, it could be due to age over 35, illness that affecting pregnancy (eg. Diabetes) and so on.

I kept asking myself, why me?? Why me that fall under the 10%?

I do have many friends that had actually encountered such bad experiences. Many of them had actually re-conceive back in 3 months time or 6 months time. Then, what would I be?

And these friends stood by me and kept telling me time will heal the pain…. Cuz, they’d been thru it and they know how painful it was. If they can get over it, so do I.

Will I?

The Grief Moment

Today mark a week of losing my 1st baby. A baby that my husband yearning for a long time, and it took me long enough to have one of our own.

Unintentionally I was not able to fall back to sleep after I got up this morning. I thought back what had happened last Friday around that time. Things happened so fast, with no experience, I never thought that was a spontaneous abortion.

Before it happened I was admitted to the hospital due to some bleeding. And way before this, things were doing fine and I took this pregnancy happily. Cuz, this is something that we never expected that. It was so coincident and it was really gifted by the God. And, now I realized, I dare not look at those pictures where we had been, the place where we made the baby.

It was disheartening when I see my man cried quietly, he acted fine and strong in front of me, but it was hard to believe to see him wiping his tears when he sees his baby was being pushed out from my body.

Things happened too fast, too shock and too sudden for me to accept. Water bag burst at 6.10am followed by fresh blood, rushing off the hospital with severe labour pain. I was crying hysterically in the car, and begged my man for forgiveness… I kept saying I don’t know can I save your baby or not….

Hubby was very sad when he heard it from me, I heard him saying it doesn’t matter; I want you to be ok. It was such in pain when I reached the A&E (Accident & Emergency) ward; the nurses pushed me up to the labour room. Hubby came along and holding my hand without letting out. Cuz, that’s the way of showing his love and support when I needed him most.

The staff nurses were there to see and also calling my gynaecologist for help. I was still in pain, and suddenly, I realized something is pushing out from my body. I was crying for help,… hubby was holding me tight. I heard them saying, it’s a spontaneous abortion, and after a few minutes, both of them press hard on my stomach, and I could feel something coming out as well. Then after both were confirming this is placenta abruption. They showed the placenta to hubby and pointed the 2 holes to him.

I was completely collapsed, and I was hysterically asking hubby boy or girl. Hubby was whispering to me that it’s a boy. A boy of our own, I was not able to cry out anymore. I only know how to apologize to my man. I kept saying sorry and sorry, without realizing it. I know then after the nurse gave me an injection. Whether it’s a tranquilizer or a pain killer, it doesn’t ease my emotions.

The nurses and hubby walked out from the labour room for a few minutes and he came back and told me that they advised him to conduct a proper funeral for the foetus though it’s not a full term delivery, yet, the limbs are beautifully formed. Hubby was crying when he told me that, I wanted to see my son badly, but all of them do not allow me to see him. I’ve never had a chance to see my son.

That day was a long day for me, cuz, we both received lots of SMSes and phone calls. I only take selective phone calls and cuz, I didn’t want to talk about it. I was crying all the time, emotional wasn’t stable, after a tablet of tranquilizer wasn’t able to calm me down. At night I was depending on the sleeping pills to sleep. Whole night was having nightmare and I could hear baby crying.

Lots of people telling me,…

‘You’re young, you could try it again.’
Or, some will tell me ‘it will be very easy for you to try on the 2nd one.’
‘This is God’s will, God will give you a better one. He doesn’t want to see you suffer.’
‘He’s not ready to be your son, you will have a better one.’

I know all these are the words of comforts; they showed their concern, care and love to us. Even now, smses are still flowing in after a week, lots of them will tell me time will heal. Just wanted me to accept the fact, things will be better.

I am still learning to accept the fact, yet it appears to people that am absolutely ok. But deep down I am still blaming myself for not building up my defences well. And, I know this will lead to depression if this continues.

I am learning to cope, I am….

I Lost My Baby

Date: March 21, 2008, Friday
Time: 6.57am.
Venue: Island Hospital

I lost my baby in my 17 weeks pregnancy.
No words to describe how painful it was.... I can't blog neither can I talk for these couple of days.
I just wanna be alone for now. Just alone.

Life is Fragile (II)

What was your reaction when you heard someone that you know die of unknown caused? When I heard of this, I couldn’t believe it and I was speechless.

This was happened to a friend of mine, and the demised is my friend’s brother.

With this sudden news, the more I believe, LIFE IS FRAGILE.
Enjoy your day, enjoy our life.
Enjoy every moment with your love ones and spend QUALITY time with them.
No one would know what will happen one of these days and no one could turn back the clock.
Love your health like how you love yourself.