Monday, March 31, 2008

My Husband

If I could give a sweetheart award to my beloved husband, think I’ll certainly do it without second thought.

This man has been with me whenever am down with depression, or when am down with heavy work pressure, or even down with such grief.

Before the incident, he was helping me to run all the house chores, and all the errands that needed to do. I was overly pampered by his attention, his loves, his cares.

Whenever he sees me under tremendous working stress, he’ll give me surprises like taking me for a short trip. Pangkor Laut Resort was one the surprises that he gave me.

I know there are no words could describe how much I appreciate his love, his care, his everything…. despite bearing his child and giving all I could give. With the current grief, I know I should not neglect my husband. Yet, he’s taking days off just to be with me and just to company me even I don’t speak a word for a day.

He is certainly a man that I would want to tell him I love him forever and ever!

It was disheartening when I see him crying quietly. Though I know he acted brave and calm in front of me, cuz, he didn’t want to let me down. What could I do, I only know how to cry…

He’s helpless when I hold him tight and cry, he could never know what to do but to hug me tight. Things do not happen just for once, but many times, he held me tight enough to let me feel I am important to him.

Now that I have to undergo a proper confinement treatment though it’s not a full term delivery, he’s there to undergo such treatment with me. He’ll switch off the aircond and bear all the heat together with me. Not even a single complaint from him, … he truly understand how I feel.

I know I am spoilt by him… I know that. With his loves and strength, I could never ever survive from this pain without my husband, my lawful wedded husband.

I love you, dear!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

An Appreciation to those People that Care

This morning was my 1st check up after the miscarriage.

My gynaecologist saw me, first thing from him was, ‘How are you doing? Am not referring to your emotions but your physical health.’

I don’t know how to re-act but smile with my tears in the eyes.

He’s been consoling me, and kept telling me not to worry; I’ll have another baby soon.

He conducted a scan on my abdomen and gladly pronounced that everything looks fine and good. He anticipated that I’ll have about 2 weeks of bleeding after this miscarriage and the liner in the womb is not thick and it should be able to bleed off within the week or two.

After the check his assistant came to me, and helped me to dress up. She holds my hand tight and said that, ‘don’t worry, you will have another one. Please believe in God, God knows this is not the one, God will give you a better one.’

She also said, ‘don’t cry, the more depress you’re, the bleed will not stop. Just be happy that God is listening to you and give you a better child.’

I seriously don’t know what to say… I know I truly & sincerely appreciate what they have done to me.

Friday, March 28, 2008

The Grief Moment

Today mark a week of losing my 1st baby. A baby that my husband yearning for a long time, and it took me long enough to have one of our own.

Unintentionally I was not able to fall back to sleep after I got up this morning. I thought back what had happened last Friday around that time. Things happened so fast, with no experience, I never thought that was a spontaneous abortion.

Before it happened I was admitted to the hospital due to some bleeding. And way before this, things were doing fine and I took this pregnancy happily. Cuz, this is something that we never expected that. It was so coincident and it was really gifted by the God. And, now I realized, I dare not look at those pictures where we had been, the place where we made the baby.

It was disheartening when I see my man cried quietly, he acted fine and strong in front of me, but it was hard to believe to see him wiping his tears when he sees his baby was being pushed out from my body.

Things happened too fast, too shock and too sudden for me to accept. Water bag burst at 6.10am followed by fresh blood, rushing off the hospital with severe labour pain. I was crying hysterically in the car, and begged my man for forgiveness… I kept saying I don’t know can I save your baby or not….

Hubby was very sad when he heard it from me, I heard him saying it doesn’t matter; I want you to be ok. It was such in pain when I reached the A&E (Accident & Emergency) ward; the nurses pushed me up to the labour room. Hubby came along and holding my hand without letting out. Cuz, that’s the way of showing his love and support when I needed him most.

The staff nurses were there to see and also calling my gynaecologist for help. I was still in pain, and suddenly, I realized something is pushing out from my body. I was crying for help,… hubby was holding me tight. I heard them saying, it’s a spontaneous abortion, and after a few minutes, both of them press hard on my stomach, and I could feel something coming out as well. Then after both were confirming this is placenta abruption. They showed the placenta to hubby and pointed the 2 holes to him.

I was completely collapsed, and I was hysterically asking hubby boy or girl. Hubby was whispering to me that it’s a boy. A boy of our own, I was not able to cry out anymore. I only know how to apologize to my man. I kept saying sorry and sorry, without realizing it. I know then after the nurse gave me an injection. Whether it’s a tranquilizer or a pain killer, it doesn’t ease my emotions.

The nurses and hubby walked out from the labour room for a few minutes and he came back and told me that they advised him to conduct a proper funeral for the foetus though it’s not a full term delivery, yet, the limbs are beautifully formed. Hubby was crying when he told me that, I wanted to see my son badly, but all of them do not allow me to see him. I’ve never had a chance to see my son.

That day was a long day for me, cuz, we both received lots of SMSes and phone calls. I only take selective phone calls and cuz, I didn’t want to talk about it. I was crying all the time, emotional wasn’t stable, after a tablet of tranquilizer wasn’t able to calm me down. At night I was depending on the sleeping pills to sleep. Whole night was having nightmare and I could hear baby crying.

Lots of people telling me,…

‘You’re young, you could try it again.’
Or, some will tell me ‘it will be very easy for you to try on the 2nd one.’
‘This is God’s will, God will give you a better one. He doesn’t want to see you suffer.’
‘He’s not ready to be your son, you will have a better one.’

I know all these are the words of comforts; they showed their concern, care and love to us. Even now, smses are still flowing in after a week, lots of them will tell me time will heal. Just wanted me to accept the fact, things will be better.

I am still learning to accept the fact, yet it appears to people that am absolutely ok. But deep down I am still blaming myself for not building up my defences well. And, I know this will lead to depression if this continues.

I am learning to cope, I am….

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I Lost My Baby

Date: March 21, 2008, Friday
Time: 6.57am.
Venue: Island Hospital

I lost my baby in my 17 weeks pregnancy.
No words to describe how painful it was.... I can't blog neither can I talk for these couple of days.
I just wanna be alone for now. Just alone.