The Grief Moment

Today mark a week of losing my 1st baby. A baby that my husband yearning for a long time, and it took me long enough to have one of our own.

Unintentionally I was not able to fall back to sleep after I got up this morning. I thought back what had happened last Friday around that time. Things happened so fast, with no experience, I never thought that was a spontaneous abortion.

Before it happened I was admitted to the hospital due to some bleeding. And way before this, things were doing fine and I took this pregnancy happily. Cuz, this is something that we never expected that. It was so coincident and it was really gifted by the God. And, now I realized, I dare not look at those pictures where we had been, the place where we made the baby.

It was disheartening when I see my man cried quietly, he acted fine and strong in front of me, but it was hard to believe to see him wiping his tears when he sees his baby was being pushed out from my body.

Things happened too fast, too shock and too sudden for me to accept. Water bag burst at 6.10am followed by fresh blood, rushing off the hospital with severe labour pain. I was crying hysterically in the car, and begged my man for forgiveness… I kept saying I don’t know can I save your baby or not….

Hubby was very sad when he heard it from me, I heard him saying it doesn’t matter; I want you to be ok. It was such in pain when I reached the A&E (Accident & Emergency) ward; the nurses pushed me up to the labour room. Hubby came along and holding my hand without letting out. Cuz, that’s the way of showing his love and support when I needed him most.

The staff nurses were there to see and also calling my gynaecologist for help. I was still in pain, and suddenly, I realized something is pushing out from my body. I was crying for help,… hubby was holding me tight. I heard them saying, it’s a spontaneous abortion, and after a few minutes, both of them press hard on my stomach, and I could feel something coming out as well. Then after both were confirming this is placenta abruption. They showed the placenta to hubby and pointed the 2 holes to him.

I was completely collapsed, and I was hysterically asking hubby boy or girl. Hubby was whispering to me that it’s a boy. A boy of our own, I was not able to cry out anymore. I only know how to apologize to my man. I kept saying sorry and sorry, without realizing it. I know then after the nurse gave me an injection. Whether it’s a tranquilizer or a pain killer, it doesn’t ease my emotions.

The nurses and hubby walked out from the labour room for a few minutes and he came back and told me that they advised him to conduct a proper funeral for the foetus though it’s not a full term delivery, yet, the limbs are beautifully formed. Hubby was crying when he told me that, I wanted to see my son badly, but all of them do not allow me to see him. I’ve never had a chance to see my son.

That day was a long day for me, cuz, we both received lots of SMSes and phone calls. I only take selective phone calls and cuz, I didn’t want to talk about it. I was crying all the time, emotional wasn’t stable, after a tablet of tranquilizer wasn’t able to calm me down. At night I was depending on the sleeping pills to sleep. Whole night was having nightmare and I could hear baby crying.

Lots of people telling me,…

‘You’re young, you could try it again.’
Or, some will tell me ‘it will be very easy for you to try on the 2nd one.’
‘This is God’s will, God will give you a better one. He doesn’t want to see you suffer.’
‘He’s not ready to be your son, you will have a better one.’

I know all these are the words of comforts; they showed their concern, care and love to us. Even now, smses are still flowing in after a week, lots of them will tell me time will heal. Just wanted me to accept the fact, things will be better.

I am still learning to accept the fact, yet it appears to people that am absolutely ok. But deep down I am still blaming myself for not building up my defences well. And, I know this will lead to depression if this continues.

I am learning to cope, I am….

I Lost My Baby

Date: March 21, 2008, Friday
Time: 6.57am.
Venue: Island Hospital

I lost my baby in my 17 weeks pregnancy.
No words to describe how painful it was.... I can't blog neither can I talk for these couple of days.
I just wanna be alone for now. Just alone.

男人 MAN!

當一個男人變起心來就翻轉豬肚就是屎!
正如肥姐沈殿霞的前夫鄭少秋在欣宜幾個月大的時候, 還不是為了官晶華離開了肥姐。現在人都已經死了, 他也不送肥姐最後一程。表面上的理由是欣宜不想她的父親操勞過度。可是對我們局外人來說, 他實在無情。

男人真的那麼多心嗎? 自古以來男人就被形容是無情和負心的人。如果不是我自己親眼看到自己尊重的長輩也如此, 我想這世界上的男人也可算是百分之一百的好男人。

自從他的妻子揭發他的婚外情之後, 他盡然否認自己過錯, 反過來說是他的妻子並沒有盡妻子的責任。如果妻子的責任是提供性服務而不是為了那個家, 我想這女人要不要也沒什麼重要。就算自己的妻子沒有盡妻子的責任也不至於做丈夫的可以在外頭亂搞一團糟的權力。

做一個男人, 即承認自己犯了錯誤, 也必須覺悟和拯救自己的婚姻而不是滔滔不絕地談。這所謂的長輩甚至可以胡說八道, 也搞到家人和親戚一團糟。他盡然說是他妻子給他的壓力而搞到他自己承認這一切。他也說過, “如果Lingam 可以否認這一切, 他也可以。”

請問各位讀者可有見過這樣胡扯的男人嗎?

他也無意於悔改, 這也造成兒女們各各有神經衰弱症。他也好像不打算終止那一份情。是問這男人還是男人嗎?

男人就是頂不住那外面的誘惑, 而造成家庭破裂。自己不承認自己的過失反而責備和譴責妻子沒盡責任。因為這個緣故也造成許多的單身女性對婚姻有恐懼感。

如今我對這所謂的長輩也完完全全的沒有了那敬意。至少陳冠希有誠意嘗試對社會作個道歉, 至以這所謂的長輩, 只懂得說得天花亂墜的謊話。我真的好想看這所謂的長輩以後的日子如何過? 難道這所謂的長輩完全沒有受到良心責備嗎?

我只能奉勸各位女性不要因為一個胡扯的男人而尋找短見。反而應接受命運注定而為自己將來奮鬥。

您們說對嗎?

Chinese New Year

Few more days to new year…
Those that married, have you prepared your gifts to your in law and your parents?
Those that married, have you changed all the new notes for ang pow?

Those that single, what would be your resolution for the new year?

I got to know from Lilian’s blog that now that the market is so bad that some Chinese store don’t even have the crowd to purchase the imported Chinese goods. Am quite surprise to hear that, cuz, by this time, especially Kwong Tuck that located in Campbell Street would have lots of people grabbing their stuff and by now most of the imported Chinese goods are nearly sold off.

I was surprised when I did my new year shopping 2 weeks ago, Cold Storage in Gurney Plaza don’t even have abalone. I was wondering myself, was I too early or the shipment was late to deliver?

This year, many predictors have predicted will be a tough year, for all we know every year would be a tough year. It’s all depends on us how we look at things, don’t we?

If we kept complaining about days and years and life and work, well, obviously that’s a tough year to go thru, isn’t it?

Life has been not easy for many people… it’s all depends on how we take our lives to be negative or positive.

As for the market, it’s all depends on the consumers. How they transform the market to be. Due to high demand many seafood is selling at high price now, a kilo fresh prawns could sell at RM80. How many of us could afford? Many sellers are taking this opportunity to earn, for example festival cookies… people are making a bunch of it. Some will give an excuse for saying this is only once a year.

Well, what can you say?? Can’t we say much don’t we?

External Marital Affair II

I am sad, I am upset, I am down to receive a news of somebody is committing adultery since few years ago.
He’s been seeing this divorced woman for many years and this woman was divorced 2 years ago. Was it because of his involvement or what?
Nobody knows only the involve party.
It hurts the wife so much so that the wife is asking for divorce now.
What about the kids?
The kids are still small…. Yet, why would this thing happen around CNY corner?
The daughter was about to sit for her major exams this year… why can’t man just use his HEAD to think before he made such mistakes?

How would you deal with this matter when your other half admitted the fact that he had committed adultery and he’s in love with the woman that he’s still seeing? Yet, he doesn’t want to divorce?

Can you leave this and live your own life?
If the wife is an ordinary housewife, not even financial independent. Can she go thru such hurdle herself?

Truly understand divorce rate is increasing each year, and many women would ask for divorce if they found their man is cheating on them. But if this happens so sudden to you, can anyone of us handle it in a proper manner or will you jumping ups and downs?

Some will advise you to sit back and laugh at his matter, but I can tell not many can handle this matter “professionally”. Whoever involves in this matter, will start to think what have I done wrong? Do I deserve all these cheatings from my other half?

External Marital Affair

If one of these days, you got to know your husband is unfaithful to you, what would you do?
Would you ask for divorce and fight for the kids’ custody?
Would you confront him and quarrel with him?
Would you stay silent and wait till he return home?
Would you do something to make yourself more attractive and make him got attracted to you?
Would you think over what has triggered this marriage that causes him having an external marital affair?

I believe many women out there will think it over and over again, what have I done wrong that my man is straying outside of this home, right?

And, many would think I've sacrificed a lot for the man, for the family, and why is he betraying me?

We have shared so much laughter, so much happiness and tears together, not even that able to gain you back from the outside attractive world?

Or is it because other women outside will give you the pride and ego that every men needed?

I bet many of us come across many famous figures in town do have 2 wives, some of them could actually stay together for many years.
Was this fated? Or barely the man controls it all?

Some women are really lucky, the man that they married a faithful and truthful. Some are unlucky….

But, I believe a marriage built by both husband and wife, in any circumstances; husband and wife should fight against all odds to salvage it instead of letting it die quietly.

Well, this is another 5 cents worth of thoughts of mine.

My apology

I know I've not been writing anything and nothing has actually spur up my mind and mood to write.
I hope my readers could understand and give me some time to ponder what to post about.

Lately heard a lot of external marital affairs. And, with this affairs, actually caused lots of families going thru a lot of unnecessary pressure and stress.

If you come across children that under going STPM, SPM, PMR, etc. Am sure the children will be heavily affected by this matter.

Person that involves in such affair, will he or she ever thought of the consequences that affecting the family, the spouse, the kids, etc? I bet they don't. I wonder how many of these people ever know once trust is damage is hard to build back again.

Piece of advice, think twice before anyone of you STRAY around. Think of your love ones... having this external marital affair will not improve husband and wife relationship, nor family relationship.

I am not either right or wrong, but, I think this worth a 5 cents worth of value.