Farewell...

In life there are many things happen, whether is a happy moment or a sad one. Happy moment like you got to know you’re pregnant, or receive a promotion and increment, or receive a bouquet of flowers, getting a flying colours results in school, and many more. As for sad moments are your love ones leaving you, miscarriages, your love one cheated on you, friends leaving, and so on…

I actually received this news not long ago and I know I’ll be missing this mumbly, fair, smiling face, and caring friend of mine. Happy in a sense that she could retire early, and given a "package" which she’s been waiting for; sad is because am losing a lunch partner.

Now that, we are not giving her a farewell, but she’s buying us lunch instead. Not only that, farewell means an acknowledgement at parting or leaving. But yet, we know we’ll be meeting up with each other for lunch, for tea or for gathering.

She’s been companying me for tea break and lunch when I was pregnant, she’s been giving me the courages and many words of comfort when I had miscarriage, she’s been giving me the strength and supports when am under working stress and pressure.

I know I know… I may not need to be that sentimental about her leaving, there are many come and go in an organization. But to find a good, care, courage, thoughtful friend in an organization ain’t easy to get one. I gotta say that am lucky and bless enough to have them.

To you, God bless!! And, pal keep in touch!!

My supportive husband

I really do not know what to say… cuz, hubby suddenly reading those blogs and articles on miscarriages. He even told me that some women are even trying their luck before their 1st menstrual cycle. Some women are even pitiful, they had strokes yet they are positive to try on another time. Some women had many miscarriages before they could carry a normal one.

I know my sweet hubby is giving me all sorts of positive supports and give me the assurance that I could it like others. He just wants me to be brave and strong and face whatever ahead in us.

It’s sweet to have your other half to be with you and stand by you in any circumstances. Right?

I guess, without him, I will not be able to stand up and walk out from any dark corner. Though on and off the emotion is hard to control, but with this man with me, I guess I would be better each day.

Fruit Basket

The above picture is the thought of my management team has shown to me on my admission in the hospital the other day.

Nothing could elaborate more on the sweet thought of them. As well as the following friends –

1. WMW
2. Little Inbox
3. BB Community
4. 24hr Mom
5. Sembang & Talk
6. Jason – Ipoh Mali Talak Sombong
7. Joe – Lots of Craving
8. vKeong
9. Babe_KL
10. Big Boys Oven
11. Penang Tua Pui
12. Sweet Jasmine - Rainbow
13. Daphne
14. Lingzie
15. CK Lam
16. Coketai
17. Sugar Bean
18. TummyThoz
19. Ling239
20. The Gastronomic Diary

The warmth wishes and care is indeed appreciated from my husband and me. Thank you very much!!!

A sudden upset

Today extremely down and emotional also not that stable.
Feeling bad, upset, down anything you name it, I had it all today. In fact, I was quietly cried at my work place today.

I have all these mixed feelings when I see my colleague whom is also pregnant together with me. I was ahead of her by a week in terms of due date, now that I have nothing. Furthermore, I got to know my SIL is also pregnant this morning.

I was like why me?? I don’t know how to feel happy for people… I am feeling so down, so down…

I have not been seeing my other colleague whom I always swing by to her place when I need to let out some working stress… I have not been seeing her for many days already. Why? Perhaps I am not comfortable to talk to people and meeting people. I am still comfortably staying in within my own space, I guess?!

This afternoon a colleague, a friend from other department dropped by and told me that he feels sorry to hear about my case. He realize I was not around for many weeks and noted that when I came back to work, I was extremely quiet and also noted my tummy is missing, he guesses what had happened.

We both chatted for awhile, then suddenly the emotions suddenly went down and I started to have teary eyes. Honestly felt so embarrassed. Then, he said in life there are many people have their own pain… some even have to bear with a child whom is deaf, blind, or even autistic.

Now that I can only tell myself, God is saving the best for me. God knows what best for me. God will be giving me a brighter child, a happy child, a talented child and a brilliant child….

Hopefully with that thoughts, I hope I could be more stronger and tougher.

The 4th Week Grief

I’ve been working for a week already, seeing lots of colleagues and friends, and also seeing lots of pregnant women in the office too.

I was even giving a pregnant woman a helping hand when she didn’t realize it was drizzling on Friday on her way out to the car park. She told me she’s now 37 weeks of pregnancy, and taking half day off to visit her gynaecologist. I was telling myself, another more week to go she could deliver her baby if she ops for C-section.

My Finance Analyst had gone for her maternity leave, another colleague is 8 weeks expecting, some had actually entering their 2nd trimester period.

No one would believe it if I say am ok, am fine. Like what Little Inbox said, when you’re alone, you will think of the baby, you will think of the incident that happened that day, and you will even admire those that are pregnant now.

And, this is what am facing right now.

I know my eyes are looking at the TV at night and at the same time my mind is floating else where. When I see pregnant woman walk pass, I feel awkward and the feeling is like where is my tummy now.

Friday dawn was the time when my husband rushed me to the hospital. Whenever we drove pass the route, and specifically on Friday morning, I just can’t stop myself of thinking about it.

I even have friends asked me don’t write any more sad post in your blog, write something positive, tell you readers how looking forward yourself that you wanted to conceive the 2nd time. She even said that I should be counting the days when to conceive instead of counting the days when I lost my baby.

At one minute, I’ll ask myself am I a born loser? How come I don’t know how to save my baby?? On the other minute, I’ll ask again is this what God wants to take him back with him?

This is what am going thru right now…

Penang properties

Yesterday after work, hubby & I were actually visited a house near Batu Maung. It’s a new property development and it’s built by Sunway Berhad.

We both quite like the house except certain place we find it we got to do some renovation on it.

Every time when I companied hubby to view any properties, I’ll get very upset. Upset of the price that the developer is placing. 1 could tell you that Penang’s land is limited and expensive too, 2nd will tell you that materials price had hike up, we developer don’t have a choice. 3rd sub-sale of a property could have 100% gain from the developer price.

A very good example down here is this property that we viewed yesterday. Developer price was RM468k, selling price is RM585k, it’s 80% increased. Not only that, I was told, when this project first launch on that day itself, already fully sold. People are even queuing up to buy the property as early at 3am. Can you imagine that?

Probably you may think that I may exaggerate the matter, well, I have not exaggerate this but in fact, it’s somebody that we met at the neighbourhood told hubby that.

The agent that brought us to see the property could tell us, this is the market price in Penang, consider cheap already. Furthermore, there are so many foreign investors investing into Penang. Well, I would really like to clarify, … do we have lots of investors investing into Penang? If such, how come I don’t see any job classifieds in the papers then?

For a white collar like us, no way we could purchase a property like this especially it’s located in Batu Maung. 2nd, apartments and condominiums’ price are not escalating thus, we can sell off any of that to purchase a landed property. Whatever it is,… who can we blame?

Child abuse

Just now had a chat with my sister, she told me about child abuse case. While she was cooking dinner tonight, she heard someone crying hysterically around her neighbourhood. She felt so bad that she doesn’t know what to do, should she made a call to police and let the police have the investigation or should she keep silent.

Thus, she asked her husband to walk over there and take a look, my brother-in-law saw the kid was crying hysterically. When he took a walk back, the kid was like calling him, then, he asked where her parents are, she was crying so hard that my BIL not even able to hear what she says.

Now that they are debating should they lodge a report and investigate? But am sure with her character, she’ll find her ways to protect the kid and she’ll sure lodge a police report.

Question right here is, why are these people doing such things like abusing the child/kid? This ain’t anything like a ‘thing’ for them to abuse, this is a life!! A life where the woman, the mother carried for 9 months, and the 9 months isn’t short nor long, it’s something may come with many complications

There are many child abuse cases nowadays, and many cases are being covered and let the child die of no reason.

Whether the mother is under post partum depression or the father is under stress from work, whoever it is should not even abuse the kid. First of all the kid is innocent, does the kid deserve such abuse?

Guess I need not to say more, cuz, I myself was looking forward so much for a baby to deliver to my family. Yet I don’t have the fortunate to have it. And, these people could still abuse their children, I don’t know what would the society turns out to be.

I gotta stand up!

3rd day of work.
It’s still the same to me…. Not sure was I too sensitive or what, I could sense people are looking at my dressing and also looking at my tummy.

On this 3rd day of work, some colleagues that are just got back from their business trip came and asked me to take care of myself and also wished me welcome back.

Some are giving me their advices on what they had gone thru and some shared with me their experiences. Some are very careful with their words, especially close friends, cuz, they worried I’ll be hurt or sad if they mention about babies, infants, toddlers, etc.

Some even forward me jokes to read, to make me laugh.

These are the friends that will give you a lift when you’re down. And, these are the friends will give you their helping hand when they know you need one.

Many of them want me to show them the usual of me. Cuz, they honestly don’t want to see me like this anymore.

Like I said earlier, right now, no one could actually push me to stand up except myself. But I miss the person so much that could give me a push. This person no longer here, but I know this person will never ever want me to live my life forever in the dark shelter like that.

Stand up!!
Stand up!!
Stand up!!

Feeling down suddenly...

I am actually feeling down suddenly.
I don’t know why.
I wish to have my baby now.

I am supposed to be busy at work and forgot everything that had happened. But, trying so hard, it's still difficult to over come that trauma.

I know I should not mourn about it anymore. I should be looking forward what's ahead in me.
But when it hits you suddenly, you just can't handle it.

My thought

In life there are many things do not come to your way and it’s going against your wish. And all these, people will start blaming themselves or the God whom is not leading them to what they want.

If one do not really have a clear mind and talk things out, it will definitely lead to depression. And, also some people may appear to other people that they are absolutely handling it well yet down deep in them, they were actually mourning to the death or keeping everything silently without anyone knows.

A couple for not compromising each other down falls and it will leads to a problematic relationship one of these days. And there are so many hurdles in life that not able to over come, could also causes these uncompromised arguments between couples.

So, what should the couple do?

I came across a lot of couples are having these problems, not compromising each other’s down falls... honestly, with that, will the other change? And on the 2nd thought will the other change to compromise the other party?

[sigh] Nothing much I could say, apart from telling everyone this is the fated. The marriage, the relationship is pre-arranged by God. It’s us to build it along the way and get it ‘loving’.

My 1st Day

Today is my first day of work. It wasn’t feel great or excited like what Little Inbox said.

Many friends and colleagues hopped into my place and asked me how am I doing. Some will call me and make sure am at work today and even dropped me a few lines when they are busy at work.

I am touched by their warmth and caring heart, even a small hug from them.

I am not able to control my tears, and they understand how I truly feel. Some even never seen me that weak before. I’ve been appearing a very strong person to them, never thought this would hit me so hard.

When I came in to my place, I saw a lovely soft toy on my chair. It was a small gift from a colleague from another plant. It was very sweet of her.

Followed by phone calls, colleagues’ visits, … my boss even encouraged me to take some days off for a short vacation. Everyone wants me to look forward in life and do not look back. They kept telling me, I would be able to conceive again, as long as am ready.

Some even told me, without going thru any losses, a person will not be completed. This is what God’s trying to tell us, and trying to guide us.

Bottom line, from my heart, the friendship that I have here is so sincere, truthful, warmth, and concern. Even from my former companies those that know am miscarriage, my close friends, classmates, relatives, aunts, uncles are also sending me their loves & regards.

From there, I would like to say a big THANK YOU to them. Yet, I know if I don’t stand up and face the challenge myself, I will definitely stand at where I am. If I don’t stand up and face the challenge myself, I will never able to prepare to conceive again.

The 3rd Week

Today mark the 3rd week of that incident.

I salute those people that went thru such incidents and could get up again. I wonder how they walk out from the pain.

If you know who Dicky Cheung (張衛健) is, you would be surprised his wife (張茜) whom is supposed to deliver a baby in March, was miscarried in her 8 months pregnancy. She managed to walk out from the pain and willing to try again.

No one could answer all the mom-to-be why would this thing happen. Was it due to the food that we take? Was it hormone imbalance, incompatible? Was it due to uterus’ infection? Was it due to placenta previa? Or it was due to uterine fibroid?

Chinese believe it may due to the womb is too weak… the cervix is weak… or something bad luck.

I know I have to walk out from this pain and build back my body strength. I know, I know, I know… but it’s hard to do that…. Real hard…

Who should I please??

If I would have been given a choice, will I be conceiving?

Guess my answer is I don’t know. After the loss, I am not able to gain back my usual self, not even a single confident in me.

I know it will be difficult to build back all the confident in myself, it will take some times.

I did ask myself, why did other people could walk out from their pain and why not me? Am I that fragile to face the truth? Or I have yet to accept the facts of life?

This feeling sound familiar, it’s like when I got to know am expecting. I was shock to know and yet I was happy and excited. Nevertheless, I was not able to cope with the pregnancy, cuz, this is not my expertise. By the time I settled down with this major responsibility of mine, I’ve lost it.

I know I’ve been pleasing lots of people during this time. Pleasing my parents for seeking 2nd opinion, pleasing my husband to try again after 6 weeks, pleasing my aunt for building back my body’s strength…

Pleasing my parents for not going for a walk after a maternity check up, pleasing my husband to go for a walk after any check up, pleasing this and that…. This pretty obvious that I’ve caught in between both love ones, don’t I?

I just want to know who will please me?

Thus, I rather hide myself in the room for not going out. Cuz, this is my comfort hut, this is where I can be myself, though am not talking to anyone, not even a single word for the whole day… but at least this is myself.

I am so scared for not pleasing my husband, cuz, I have the phobia the man that I married will change his heart one of these days. Probably I heard too many stories, and some even related to my close ones.
I am also scared for not pleasing my parents, cuz, they are my parents…

Ended up, I would be torn in between, don’t I?

What am I?

Today is my first day of stepping out from the room after so many weeks of hiding myself in a small comfort hut of mine. Reason for this is because the only day my husband is available to drive me out to seek another gynaecologist’s advice and also for an eye check.

Basically I didn’t sleep the whole night (not only that night, but many nights), guess hubby also notice that. I was toss and turn the whole night thru, if not, I was talking in the sleep. Yet, I know my mind was wild awake though I was talking in my sleep.

He thought of getting me up early for a registration in the hospital. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get up due to such sleeping disorder.

Anyway, I was very blue and depressed when he drove me to the hospital this morning, and on the other minute, I was absolutely fine when I was in the hospital. When the gynaecologist is ready to see me, I thought I was ready to talk it out.

But, I was absolutely wrong about myself. I wasn’t that strong, nor did I walk out from the pain. When I talked it out, my tears were uncontrollable. The gynaecologist was sorry to hear about my story though they heard a lot of these unfortunately incidents, but, he still handed me a tissue to wipe my tears.

He scanned my abdomen and also explained to me in details what could be the possibility of this miscarriage. There is no other specific measurement to prevent such unfortunate incident. What he could advise is to have another blood test on me to find out is this a natural blood clot in me after my cycle of menses.

Before I could say some more, he asked me was I worried this will recur in my next pregnancy. I nodded and I cried. I would have to say that many gynaecologists are very careful with their words, he told me that there is no medical ways to proof that this will not recur however, we would have to take other alternative ways to prevent it. But, to his experience this will not recur, but it will only recur only if there is any infection.

After the visit, hubby took me for an eye check, cuz, lately I realize my eye sight has gone way a bit blur. Am not sure is it because I cried too much during this ‘confinement’ treatment or it’s because of hormone disturbance.

My optometrist was surprised to see both of us visiting her today in her shop, normally she will only get to see me over the weekends. She knew something is not right with me, but she doesn’t know what went wrong. While she was checking my eye sight, I did ask her a question if I cried a lot, will that affect the eye sight. She was puzzled, yet she answered me it should not be. And that has led to the conversation of my miscarriage.

Again, I thought I could talk it out, but I was wrong. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I told her I was scared to see people and I really do not know what to talk and how to react. She’s worried about me and wanted me to visit a doctor soonest possible, cuz, she doesn’t want me to keep silent about it if I diagnosed with postpartum blues. Though, this is only I suspected it… but she encouraged me to talk it out.

It was so sweet of her that gave me a warm hug. Cuz, that was never ever expected that from her.

From these 2 conversations I realized, I missed grandma so much so that I knew she will call me and gave me all ways of comforts, or helps or even advices that I need. Cuz, I know I didn’t turn to anyone for help, not even my husband nor my parents. I don’t know why, but I kept silent about it and I don’t feel like talking about it.

Cuz, I know I am not brave enough to talk over it… even though I know many friends out there was trying to reach me. I also sounded calm when one of my colleague called me yesterday, I know down deep in my heart, I have yet to know how to face them.

This incident hits me really hard… damn hard.
Or, am rather a sentimental person?
If not… What am I then??

My Fear, My Phobia

I am like others that gone thru this experience, hiding myself in the room, isolating myself from others.

Scared to step out from the room, scared to meet people, afraid of people will post questions on your miscarriage, and so on.

When friends started to text me, my common answer is always ‘Thank you. Am fine.’
I guess many of them that received such respond will know no other woman will tell you that they are not ok. They just don’t want their friends to worry about them.

Many elders will advise us, not to take this miscarriage so harsh to ourselves. We must recuperate our body strength and get ready for the next pregnancy.

But yet, how many of us can take on another pregnancy? Though I want it so much cuz, this is a way for me to show my husband how much I love him. But, down deep in my heart, I believe no one could understand a woman like us will have an easy mind to conceive another time.

Down deep in me is so afraid, afraid of the next pregnancy, yet, I can’t tell. Cuz, many will definitely advise me to take it positively. It’s not the matter of taking it positively, it’s the matter of recurrence of history that frighten the mother that bearing the child, a life!!

It’s always disheartening to see the man that you love cry quietly and alone by himself. Thus, getting another one will that make him happy again and will the history recur?

Nobody in the world could give us a definite answer, not even a gynaecologist could tell me that placenta abruption could happen in 2nd trimester of pregnancy. Cuz, never in any books or anyone’s knowledge that this could happen in 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

I know I must take things one at a time… and time will heal the pain. It depends on us whether can we walk out from that shadow of darkness and the pain of grief or not.

Can I?

Conceive After Miscarriage

For those that had miscarriage experience before, I do not know have they ever thought about the next pregnancy of theirs? I know a ‘blogger friend’ of mine did post a question to herself too.

I am thinking about it and I have no idea nor any clues about it right now.

Many gynaecologists advised us, we could try again after 6 weeks. And yet, internet says, it gotta be after a normal menstrual cycle count. Some friends told me that it’s advisable to conceive after 3 months.

My other concern is, will I be the lucky one like others that able to conceive after 3 months or 6 months? Or, am the unlucky one that then after the miscarriage that am not able to conceive anymore?

Will my miscarriage – placenta abruption be recurred? I have yet to receive any post mortem report from the hospital, yet on the other side of me is so afraid to know the caused of this issue.

My Voice of Concern

After the loss, I actually realized I was giving myself lots of pressure on the pregnancy that I had earlier on.

All these while, I dare not voice it out to anyone cuz, I know everyone will tell me that I shouldn’t have such thought, or such stress. And, I know everyone would tell me to take this pregnancy easily.

Now that, I’ve lost it… I have to cope with the lost emotionally and physically. It has never been easy for me to take this. This is something not like handling a project in the office, or counting sales, billings, backlogs, inventories, etc… this is a life in your body whom will be calling you mommy, calling your husband daddy.

Though many gynaecologists had been telling me, miscarriage is a 10% of any pregnancy cases. And, it could be due to age over 35, illness that affecting pregnancy (eg. Diabetes) and so on.

I kept asking myself, why me?? Why me that fall under the 10%?

I do have many friends that had actually encountered such bad experiences. Many of them had actually re-conceive back in 3 months time or 6 months time. Then, what would I be?

And these friends stood by me and kept telling me time will heal the pain…. Cuz, they’d been thru it and they know how painful it was. If they can get over it, so do I.

Will I?