If I would have been given a choice, will I be conceiving?
Guess my answer is I don’t know. After the loss, I am not able to gain back my usual self, not even a single confident in me.
I know it will be difficult to build back all the confident in myself, it will take some times.
I did ask myself, why did other people could walk out from their pain and why not me? Am I that fragile to face the truth? Or I have yet to accept the facts of life?
This feeling sound familiar, it’s like when I got to know am expecting. I was shock to know and yet I was happy and excited. Nevertheless, I was not able to cope with the pregnancy, cuz, this is not my expertise. By the time I settled down with this major responsibility of mine, I’ve lost it.
I know I’ve been pleasing lots of people during this time. Pleasing my parents for seeking 2nd opinion, pleasing my husband to try again after 6 weeks, pleasing my aunt for building back my body’s strength…
Pleasing my parents for not going for a walk after a maternity check up, pleasing my husband to go for a walk after any check up, pleasing this and that…. This pretty obvious that I’ve caught in between both love ones, don’t I?
I just want to know who will please me?
Thus, I rather hide myself in the room for not going out. Cuz, this is my comfort hut, this is where I can be myself, though am not talking to anyone, not even a single word for the whole day… but at least this is myself.
I am so scared for not pleasing my husband, cuz, I have the phobia the man that I married will change his heart one of these days. Probably I heard too many stories, and some even related to my close ones.
I am also scared for not pleasing my parents, cuz, they are my parents…
Ended up, I would be torn in between, don’t I?
blueks
12 years ago
3 comments:
As a LEO, I won't force myself to please anybody. First, we have to understand our condition and situation, then think of what we want to achieve. Next working hard to reach our target.
Unfortunately am not a LEO. A star whom is very sentimental and emotional, thus, always torn in between by both parties.
one word of advice, you dun need to please ANYONE. just do wat you want, feel wat you want.
different ppl have different ways when it comes to dealing with grief. just take things one step at a time and move on.
as with your hubby, i guess the best is to find some time alone with him and talk over this. ask him how he feel etc. you would be surprised how this could help you both to get on with life again, cos it did at least to us.
you know, i usually dun do this sort of things but i cant help as tears start to flow as i read your posts. just one sentence, it's not easy but we must take baby steps to accept the grief and lost; then slowly move on.
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