What am I?

Today is my first day of stepping out from the room after so many weeks of hiding myself in a small comfort hut of mine. Reason for this is because the only day my husband is available to drive me out to seek another gynaecologist’s advice and also for an eye check.

Basically I didn’t sleep the whole night (not only that night, but many nights), guess hubby also notice that. I was toss and turn the whole night thru, if not, I was talking in the sleep. Yet, I know my mind was wild awake though I was talking in my sleep.

He thought of getting me up early for a registration in the hospital. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to get up due to such sleeping disorder.

Anyway, I was very blue and depressed when he drove me to the hospital this morning, and on the other minute, I was absolutely fine when I was in the hospital. When the gynaecologist is ready to see me, I thought I was ready to talk it out.

But, I was absolutely wrong about myself. I wasn’t that strong, nor did I walk out from the pain. When I talked it out, my tears were uncontrollable. The gynaecologist was sorry to hear about my story though they heard a lot of these unfortunately incidents, but, he still handed me a tissue to wipe my tears.

He scanned my abdomen and also explained to me in details what could be the possibility of this miscarriage. There is no other specific measurement to prevent such unfortunate incident. What he could advise is to have another blood test on me to find out is this a natural blood clot in me after my cycle of menses.

Before I could say some more, he asked me was I worried this will recur in my next pregnancy. I nodded and I cried. I would have to say that many gynaecologists are very careful with their words, he told me that there is no medical ways to proof that this will not recur however, we would have to take other alternative ways to prevent it. But, to his experience this will not recur, but it will only recur only if there is any infection.

After the visit, hubby took me for an eye check, cuz, lately I realize my eye sight has gone way a bit blur. Am not sure is it because I cried too much during this ‘confinement’ treatment or it’s because of hormone disturbance.

My optometrist was surprised to see both of us visiting her today in her shop, normally she will only get to see me over the weekends. She knew something is not right with me, but she doesn’t know what went wrong. While she was checking my eye sight, I did ask her a question if I cried a lot, will that affect the eye sight. She was puzzled, yet she answered me it should not be. And that has led to the conversation of my miscarriage.

Again, I thought I could talk it out, but I was wrong. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I told her I was scared to see people and I really do not know what to talk and how to react. She’s worried about me and wanted me to visit a doctor soonest possible, cuz, she doesn’t want me to keep silent about it if I diagnosed with postpartum blues. Though, this is only I suspected it… but she encouraged me to talk it out.

It was so sweet of her that gave me a warm hug. Cuz, that was never ever expected that from her.

From these 2 conversations I realized, I missed grandma so much so that I knew she will call me and gave me all ways of comforts, or helps or even advices that I need. Cuz, I know I didn’t turn to anyone for help, not even my husband nor my parents. I don’t know why, but I kept silent about it and I don’t feel like talking about it.

Cuz, I know I am not brave enough to talk over it… even though I know many friends out there was trying to reach me. I also sounded calm when one of my colleague called me yesterday, I know down deep in my heart, I have yet to know how to face them.

This incident hits me really hard… damn hard.
Or, am rather a sentimental person?
If not… What am I then??